ScoobySnax

Okay I'll say it:

2009-07-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I really can't stand having a stupid boyfriend that does stupid things because he is stupid and needs me to tell him what to do CONSTANTLY. I shouldn't have to tell him not to stay up until 6am playing fucking video games with his IDIOT fucking friend - he knew he had to get up at 9:30 to apply for the job around 10:00 this morning. I also shouldn't have to tell him to FUCKING PREPARE

Grrrrrrr

2009-04-17T10:13:00.000-07:00

Okay - it needs to be said: I hate living with this roommate. She wants to be dating me because she thinks she's in love with me, so she's constantly whining about how often my boyfriend is there. I tried to ask if it would help if we just spent time in my room after she gets home from work, and she said no.So now I am forced to tell my boyfriend he can't spend the night at my place during the

Craving

2009-03-24T20:45:00.000-07:00

I am craving a spanking. Punishment. I crave it - long for it - and would actually beg for it if the man in my life were capable of delivering, which he's totally not. I need the sting, the humiliation, the submission. Need to be dominated, controlled.Nothing turns me on more.I hate thinking of other things while he's eating me out just so I can get off...but that's what I do.I've tried to

The Past: November 18 - 19, 2007

2008-10-25T13:34:00.002-07:00

Originally written November 18th and 19th, 2007:November 18th:I can't stop crying.November 19th:I don't hate my life. I only hate that he's not in it. I AM JUST SO SAD.

The Past: November 1, 2007

2008-10-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

Originally written November 1, 2007I had a dream last night that Vin wasn't really dead. It wasn't a good dream. He had faked his own death to get away from me. For some reason, I found his phone and it kept ringing and the caller ID said "VIN." I answered and the caller hung up. Then I somehow found out that he was living in Duluth. Suddenly he was there, in front of me, and I completely freaked

The Past: October 1, 2007

2008-10-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

Originally written October 1, 2007Missing Vin is an emptiness inside me that doesn't go away.I cry so much more often now. I used to have to be drunk for that, but now I don't.

The Past: September 13, 2007

2008-10-25T13:10:00.003-07:00

Originally written September 13, 2007It's my first boyfriend's birthday today. It's weird sometimes the random shit you remember.Vin is smiling with pride in heaven today - I am registered for and ready to start school. I hate that he's not physically here to share this with me.

The Past: August 15, 2007

2008-10-25T13:06:00.001-07:00

Originally written August 15, 2007This is from an episode of Third Watch I was watching today. Sullivan is talking to this priest he used to know, and the priest offers this gem:"There are no easy answers. What's important is what you do now. Where you go from here. The true measure of your character is how you respond. What you do with the opportunity God is givng you. OPPORTUNITY... to realize

The Past: August 9, 2007

2008-10-25T13:04:00.000-07:00

Originally written August 9, 2007I just miss having someone to really talk to.I miss having a best friend. I miss having someone I can tell everything to and not be judged.I miss having someone to be close with.I hate this.

The Past: August 7, 2007

2008-10-25T12:39:00.000-07:00

Originally written August 7, 2007Okay, so I don't hate myself. I am not a piece of shit. I'm not having sex anymore for a long time, though, either.I don't feel guilty about the other night with my brother's friend. I only feel shitty about being fat. You know for two weeks recently, I ate healthy - no fast food, no soda...and didn't lose a fucking pound. Guess I'm not going to lose shit until I

The Past: August 5, 2008

2008-10-25T12:32:00.001-07:00

Originally written August 5, 2008 (*totally* drunk)I quit therapy. It was taking a serious toll on my pocket book and eating up all of my paid time off from work, and that was putting more stress on me than the therapy was relieving, so fuck that.So I fucked one of my brother's friends last night. Had a serious crush on him since about high school, so it was a dream come true. Except it wasn't

The Past: July 25, 2007

2008-10-25T12:21:00.000-07:00

Originally written July 25, 2007It is hard to admit that I feel sometimes like I don't know how to live without him. And sometimes that's why I drink - to get honest with myself and feel it and admit it and be sad and cry.You know what's fucked up? That in MOST WAYS he was a far, far, FAR, FAR, FAR better friend to me than anyone of these fucks I hang out with all the time...except Jay because he

The Past: June 26, 2007

2008-03-25T23:39:00.000-07:00

Originally written 6/26/07:June (Vin's wife) sent me a couple of his personal items - got them in the mail today. Seems like the perfect excuse to get drunk to me! She sent a note - "Here is Vin's favorite comic book [The Crow] and his favorite watch. I know you'll take good care of them. ~ June" I don't know how in the fuck she could have known about The Crow - that freaks me the fuck out. [ed.

The Past: 6/21/07

2008-03-24T17:05:00.000-07:00

Originally written 6/21/07I need to write even though it won't make any sense because of course I'm drunk.Two Iraqi vets in teh news today - one shot by police because he was drunk, aimed a shotgun at them and they shot and killed him, justified. The other was sentenced to one year ONE YEAR in jail for drunk driving and killing a 16 year old girl. Claimed PTSD, which I believe, actually. And

The Past 5/28/07: Memorial Day

2008-03-16T11:08:00.000-07:00

Originally written 5/28/07, Memorial Day:I woke up crabby today. Didn't want to go to Auntie G's for her stupid Memorial Day breakfast. Mostly because it's not at my mom and dad's house and it's OUR fucking tradition to have people at OUR house...but they don't live there any more. But I was also crabby that Vin is dead. The first time I ever took him to meet my family it was Memorial Day 2003.

The Past - 4/29/07

2008-02-23T08:18:00.000-08:00

Originally written 4/29/07:Most of the time, I don't want to be anywhere doing anything. I want to ignore and sleep and fade away and disappear. And I don't want to tell anyone I feel this way because they'll make me stop. (Maybe that's why I don't tell my therapist any of this.) No one would understand anyway, even if I did tell them how I feel. They'd only want to "fix" it and fix me. Fuck that

The Past - 4/22/07

2008-02-21T12:41:00.000-08:00

Originally written 4/22/07[editor's note...I was completely drunk when I wrote this...]I never feel like writing. Partiall because writing by hand is a royal pain in the ass. Partially because it's easier to just ignore what I think and how I feel than it is to write about it and have to consider what's in my head.It's almost ironic, if you think about it...most people drink to numb everything.

The Past: 3/28/07

2008-02-12T15:45:00.000-08:00

Originally written 3/28/07:So I've been ignoring things for a few weeks. Ignoring myself and how I feel, especially.If someone could just explain why Chris is fucking me over for $750 right now, that might help.Phoebe is finally in the hospital and it's a huge relief. SHe's a fuckign mess and the hospital may be her only hope. It's either that or she's gonna fucking die.I hate that my mom is so

The Past: 3/7/07

2008-02-11T17:03:00.000-08:00

Originally written 3/7/07:There are no words to describe the void you [Vin] left in my life. I miss so many things about you an dthe role you played in my life - it's impossible to put it down on paper. I need you more than I ever could have imagined. My heart aches for you in ways I will never be able to describe.I HURT.

The Past: 3/5/07

2008-02-11T16:50:00.000-08:00

Originally written 3/15/07:You know, journal [blog, now], I can't be honest with anyone but you.All I want to do is eat and drink. To excess. Every day. All the time.I love eating things that taste great and clog my arteries. And I definitely LOVE getting drunk. If I thought I could get away with it, I'd go to work drunk. Hell, I'd be a lot more pleasant if I showed up to work drunk, that's for

The Past: 2/14/07

2008-02-11T16:45:00.000-08:00

Originally written 2/14/07:If it were up to me, no one would recognize this stupid fucking day as a holiday. Valentine's Day. It's a day, just like any other. But somehow, we're forced to participate in the stupidity that has become a day recognized for love. Like single people need MORE of a reminder just how single they are. Or people in love need to be reminded to tell the person they're with

The Past: 2/13/07

2008-02-11T16:41:00.000-08:00

As promised, entries from my handwritten journal. The title represents the date I originally wrote what I'm posting now.2/13/07Sometimes I feel like I might start crying and never stop. I am so sad Vin is gone. I'm hurt and angry and sad and I miss him every day. It hurts me on a crazy-deep level. I feel sometimes as if his suicide was a reflection on me not being good enough. If I had just been

Wow

2007-12-28T22:19:00.000-08:00

So, it's been almost a year since I posted? Really? Doesn't seem like it, but that's probably because I spent most of this year in an alcohol induced haze.One of my cats - the older one, who had been with me the longest and through the most - died about 5 days after I posted last. I wanted to bury him in the backyard, but it was the middle of winter...in January...in Minnesota. For those of you

"Sometimes, I wish this wasn't my life"

2007-01-17T06:48:00.000-08:00

That's what I said to one of my best friends, Timmy, a few days after Vin died. I meant it. On the other hand, I'm not sure whose life I wish I had. I mean, for the most part, I LIKE being me and like most of the stuff in my life. I guess I just feel like I've had more than my share of losses is all. But I suppose a lot of people could say the same or worse. (So basically, I should quit my

I have no idea how to title this

2006-11-25T11:47:00.000-08:00

Where on earth to start?I'm going to make a long story short - Vin and I broke up for good in April. We tried to be friends, but I had too much anger. I had to take space. We didn't talk for awhile, then we did, then we didn't, etc. In late October, he called me out of the blue (we had been speaking in late Aug/early Sep, but then cut off communications again) to tell me he was separating from

Decisions

2006-01-02T11:56:00.000-08:00

I've made my decision.I can no longer blog here; a decision made just moments ago. I had planned to log on and get something off my chest regarding my friends, until I realized pretty much all my friends read this and venting about them here is probably not the best idea. That, tied in with all the reasons I wrote about in my last post, tell me this blog is just not what I want or need it to be,

Me

2005-12-18T11:55:00.000-08:00

I have been refusing to post. I feel like even if I could muster up enough words to make a coherent post, they wouldn't be what I truly think or feel.Too many people that I know in real life read this blog. Which is no one's fault but my own. They didn't stumble upon this blog - I gave them the link. My need for comfort, my need for validation, my need for sympathy and my pride ("see how well I

My brother

2005-12-18T11:47:00.000-08:00

I have calmed down since my last post.If I am honest with myself, it is not confusion that fueled my post about my brother, but anger.Angry that I don't know him, but want to, and don't know how to establish a relationship with him as I know he is clearly disinterested in such a thing.Angry that I think recruiters are brain-washing him, because this is the first time in our 30-odd years together

Can someone PLEASE explain to me

2005-11-28T17:35:00.000-08:00

Why a relatively successful, seemingly happy male would, at the age of 32, suddenly decide to join the Army??Allow me to paint a picture here. The subject in question is my brother, Adam. (He's my non-biological brother I grew up with.) We are not close. We see each other for every major holiday/birthday, and we talk about every other month. This is not because he lives far away - he's a 15

How far down does this rabbit hole go?

2005-10-03T14:15:00.000-07:00

I don't know, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to find out.But I don't want to talk about that.I want to know what you do for a living. How did you decide that's what you wanted to do for a living? Can you retire doing what you're doing without having to work until you have one foot in the grave?What's the point?I need ideas. Every ounce of creative juice in my body seems to be missing in action. I

The rumors of my death have been highly exaggerated

2005-09-08T18:39:00.000-07:00

Tons to say, but haven't felt like writing. Or something. Fuck, I don't know.The following observation was pointed out to me recently:"A guy who's married not only does not love you, but he also doesn't love his wife and himself. And you need to love yourself enough not to be involved with that."Is that it? I don't love myself enough? Well that's one perspective I hadn't really put much

Happy Birthday to me

2005-08-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, that is.I'm 33.Super.

Hi. I'm a non-smoker. Apparently.

2005-07-30T20:05:00.000-07:00

SO yeah...still not smoking. Pisses me off. Want nothing more than a cigarette right now. I feel robbed by the fact that I didn't get to have that "last smoke" before quitting. It's like having sex with your significant other knowing you're going to break up the next day. One. Last. Time.Fuck, I bitch about everything.Whatthefuckever; that's why you love me. Or at least why you read me. I'm like

Sick

2005-07-24T19:44:00.000-07:00

As. A. Fucking. Dog.This is lame. This is the second time I've been this sick in a year. It's lame because prior to these last two illnesses, I had been sick-free for a long, LONG time. Symptoms: - Coughing - As in "coughing up a fucking lung - someone get that lady a fucking oxygen tank." - Sinuses are fucked up, but I swear that started AFTER the cough started. - Slight fever - never went

I got nothin'

2005-07-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

"I got nothin'." That's a phrase I say a lot. It means, loosely, that I have no input, nothing to contribute to the conversation, or no idea who/what/why. I was trying to think of a title for this post, all I could think was, "I got nothin'."So I went to breakfast with Vin last weekend. Because you know, that's what friends do. He told me that what it boils down to for him (why he won't be with

Okayyyyy...

2005-07-12T17:55:00.000-07:00

Somehow, I find it pretty hard to believe I managed to blog last night. Hi! Drunk much?? Ummmm....yeah.Today is Jake's birthday; he turned 10. There's another thing I find hard to believe - that 10 whole years have passed. It seems like a million years ago and it seems like yesterday. I remember how sickeningly hot it was. (Being a Midwestern girl, I had no clue the East Coast could be THAT hot

It's never just one thing...

2005-07-11T20:33:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed? It's never just ONE thing going on? It's got to be like this: Work is fucked upLove life fucked upHome life fucked upIt's fucking ridiculous. It's never just one thing at a time. It's got to be everything all at once. Pisses me right the fuck off.Yeah, maybe I'm drunk. Whatever. I deserve to lose control every once in a while. Fuck, everthing is fucked up anyway, I might as

SO fucken weird

2005-06-21T18:16:00.000-07:00

Do you do Craigslist?I do. I'm not ashamed - I'll say it out loud:"I am addicted to Craigslist."Seriously, I can't stop. But that's not the point of this post. Yesterday I read a post on craigslist that I felt so in touch with and I so identified with, I decided to email the person who posted. Nothing fancy; it read: WOW....this sounds like it came out of my head. Are you living in my head?? I

It got better

2005-06-16T10:18:00.000-07:00

[I started this post Thursday 6/16, but got interrupted and didn't finish, then forgot about it. Finished/posted Friday instead. Yeah, I'm a dork.]Yesterday, that is. I left work early because some lazy fuck decided they didn't feel like doing their job and nominated me to do it instead - which included me having to deal with an irate customer who slammed the phone down to end our conversation.

It's not a good day

2005-06-15T08:35:00.000-07:00

It's really not. I woke up with a charleyhorse in my calf. I should have just stayed in bed.Now I'm at work. I've already cried three times today. Three times! Fuck.There are days I'm so confident. Today is not that day.I talked to Phoebe the other night. She is truly a blessing in my life. She's like me in a lot of ways. She believes there is good in everyone, no matter how deeply it may be

Mental

2005-06-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

As in, I'm going "mental". Shut up. It is too a popular slang phrase.I'm doing my monthly budget. I just wrote a note to myself to pay my two e-bills tomorrow, and how much I owe each. I wrote $214.23 (cable) and $26.78 (xcel). Really? You think I really needed to note which one was the cable amount and which was the xcel bill? Yeah, they're pretty close. Good thing I wrote down which was for

Right now

2005-06-14T06:35:00.000-07:00

I am so angry, I could puke.I can't even write.

An Open Call To...

2005-06-08T06:02:00.000-07:00

Anyone who'd like to come smoke a bowl/joint/blunt/spliff/oney with me sometime - hit me up with an email and if you're close enough, we'll work something out.Seems I need to make some new friends.Email addy's in profile.(Uh, if you can't find it, I'm not sure you should be smoking anything.)Thanks, Dave who commented yesterday, for the great idea. You're also the reason I discovered that email

Blank

2005-06-06T17:16:00.000-07:00

Got a couple minutes to post here before the neighbors come up to smoke a bowl with me. I'm blank lately. Like I've thought every thought there is to think about my present situation, and now I'm just sort of blank.I read through my archives recently. It felt humiliating. Deeply humiliating.Here's a quote from one of my favorite (embarassing) posts:Since finding out that he is still married, we

Hi, PMS much??

2005-06-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.There is a damn fine chance that at some point today, I'm going to rip someone's head off and shove it right up their motherfucking ass. I'm completely serious. Left and right, people are being complete fucking jackass IDIOTS today. It's like they're ASKING for me to punch them in the fucking face. How these people manage to make it from point A to point B without falling

I'll tell you what I think

2005-06-01T15:15:00.000-07:00

Oh wait, I already do that. Fuck it; here's some more.When I asked him why he didn't tell me about the fourth kid, (born in Dec, which means he got wife pregnant in what, late Feb early Mar? Whatever - it was right around the time she found out about me and they moved to St. Louis) he said, "I did not feel that I could tell you about that."Now, what I should have asked next was why not. I didn't

It occurred to me this morning...

2005-06-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

If I had sent that email to Vin's wife LAST year, I do believe I could have greatly reduced or possibly even eliminated the chance of her getting pregnant.I'm not saying it's my fault.I'm just saying that once again, if the truth had come out on ALL sides, none of us would be in the situation we're in. And considering I know he's been unable/unwilling to be honest, maybe I should have taken

Allow me to define "Awesome!" for you

2005-05-31T06:49:00.000-07:00

Awesome: Going to bed at 12:30am and waking up at 5:00am, and the very second you wake up, you run to the bathroom with dry heaves, your body shaking all over because the very first thing you thought of when you woke up was, "He didn't love me enough to use birth control with his wife. He claimed he was miserable, and said several times how if it were up to him he wouldn't have had the third kid,

Nauseous or Nauseated?

2005-05-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

I never remember which is the right word when I want it.Crap.Well, whatever. I wish the insanely sick feeling in my stomach would go away so I could stop freaking out. Stop feeling terrified about what he's going to do to me, and when and where. I'll also be glad when my shoulders come down from their current location, which is somewhere near the middle of my neck. Tense doesn't begin to describe

Anyone with advice...

2005-05-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

On how to stop torturing myself, should either leave a comment or hit me up with an email. Please.This 'sleeping 30-60 minutes at a time' shit has to fucking stop.The silence is deafening.Today I don't feel like I did the right thing, and I'm going fucking insane.

Uh, what?

2005-05-28T20:40:00.000-07:00

I don't feel like blogging about it yet. I'm still a little numb and caught between knowing I'm right and hating my life without him. It is SO OVER. Not like any other time - I crossed a line that can't be uncrossed. There will never be any contact between us again. Good thing? Some would say yes, and deep down I know they're right. Do I see that and feel good about it right now? FUCK NO.[Update

OVER

2005-05-27T16:06:00.000-07:00

It's over. I fucked up afterward, but it's over.

Great Blog

2005-05-22T10:04:00.000-07:00

Vin sent me this link a little while back. I don't know how he came across this blog. If I didn't know better, I'd think she was living inside my head. Our stories are different, but many of the feelings and frustrations are identical.She is my hero for writing the way she does, being as focused on writing as she is, for knowing what she does, and for speaking her mind in ways I wish I knew

Thinking

2005-05-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day came and went. It sucked. I went to the damn bbq and regreted every second I was there. I was being retarded not having the conversation with my mom; it won't happen again.I'm on overload in the thought department. My new living arrangements rule. Love the new apartment. Love that I have a deck. Love that the new roomie is SO MUCH COOLER/BETTER than the old roomie. I knew she would

Mother's Day. Again. Sigh.

2005-05-03T07:59:00.000-07:00

Last year, I wrote this post about Mother's Day.Note this particular passage in my post:I finally admitted to her [my mom] that the traditional Mother's Day gathering at my aunt's house (complete with my uncle's sisters and their kids - one of whom shares the same name as my son and is not far from his age) is just too hard on me. I hate being there, I hate seeing the kids, I hate what the whole

Nice to meet you...that's my boob you're shaking

2005-04-01T09:40:00.000-08:00

The caption reads:Spain's Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero talks to Noemi Sanin, the Colombian ambassador in Spain upon his arrival in Bogota, Colombia, Wednesday, March 30, 2005. What the caption should read: Noemi's thoughts: "Spain is so friendly! Now how do I tell him that in my country, we normally just shake hands?"

Stuff I'm thinking about

2005-03-10T06:17:00.000-08:00

If you had the chance to meet me in person, would you? I was thinking about that on my way to work this morning. That, and thinking about all the other bloggers I'd love to meet if given the chance. (I'll do a list some other day, when I have more time.) Which bloggers would you like to meet if given the chance?

Several Things...

2005-03-04T06:09:00.000-08:00

First of all, I need to get laid. Well really, it's more than that. I need a healthy (ok, smothering) dose of intimacy.Second - It's moving day!!! I'm so excited I'm practically wetting my pants!! No more Jodie - wooooo!!!!!Third - This comment about this post made me laugh. In a weird way, I take it has a huge compliment.That's all I have time for now. The new roomie is on the verge of getting a

Couldn't have said it better myself...

2005-02-17T06:37:00.000-08:00

My sentiments exactly!!

Your Opinion, Please

2005-02-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

This incident occurred a few weeks ago. On this particular night, the temperature was around 10-15 degrees.I needed to run a couple of quick errands. As I was leaving the house, Jodie asked me if I would pick up something from McDonald's for her, since she knew I was stopping there on my way home. I say sure. I go through the drive-thru, and as I'm pulling away, the (power) window on my car won't

I forgot to tell you the good news...

2005-02-04T09:27:00.000-08:00

JODIE IS MOVING OUT!!!! She approached me sometime in January to "regretfully" explain that she's moving back in with her parents. Her car will be paid off in May, so if she moves home she can save (between rent and no more car payments) over $1,000 a month. She wants to buy a house, and she figures this is the only way she can do it. Yes, it was nearly impossible to do the happy dance. I kept

It's one of three things...

2005-02-04T08:50:00.000-08:00

Either I've lived in Minnesota too long; or I've gained a fat layer to be rivaled by polar bears; or I'm just plain out of my mind. Yesterday before I left for work, I found out the temperature was going to hit a high of 47 degrees. What? Here? In February? Seriously? What the? So naturally, I left the house without a jacket or coat of any kind. It was 36 degrees when I left the house. I

It was one year ago today...

2005-02-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

That Vin's wife sent me this email: ----- Original Message ----- From: (June Cleaver) To: amyvegas4@hotmail.com Sent: Tuesday, February 03, 2004 11:48 AM Hello, My name is [June Cleaver] and I am a wife and mother to three small children. The reason I am e-mailing you is I am wondering why you are corresponding with my husband of almost 8 years? Are the two of you having an affair, you

Here's what I'd like to know...

2005-02-02T08:29:00.000-08:00

Just how the FUCK could "someone" be mad at me over the fact that I slept with this one particular guy over 10 fucking years ago??? Yes, I understand that "he" doesn't like this particular race of people. And yes, I understand that it would be the worst thing in the world for me to date someone of this particular race of people. And yes, I understand that "he" would probably die of a heart

A quickie in the bathroom

2005-01-12T14:24:00.000-08:00

So there's this separate bathroom at work for disabled/handicapped (fuck - sorry, can't remember the pc term) persons. Instead of being a room with stalls, it's just by itself - one small room with a toilet in one corner and a sink and trashcan...and handrails tacked up on one wall next to the toilet. LOVE those handrails. They just happen to be in the most delightful position on the wall. So

Dad's Okay

2005-01-10T12:31:00.000-08:00

Thank you to all of you who sent thoughts and prayers my way before, during, and/or after my dad's surgery. Just thought I'd let everyone know that it went fine. He got to go home on Friday evening, and his recovery seems to be coming along nicely. His spirits have been good - the only thing he's stressing over is having to do it again in the near future. The surgery on his other carotid artery

This is the kind of shit I'm talking about

2005-01-05T08:27:00.000-08:00

This is a perfect example of something that isn't working in my life. Vin sends me an email this morning asking how my night went. I reply and tell him about my night (got my ear pierced and went out for drinks with a friend), and then tell him that my dad is having surgery today and that I'm going to the hospital after work to see him. Vin writes back to ask which ear got pierced and where.

Speaking of...

2005-01-04T12:02:00.000-08:00

Shamelessly stolen from Gut Rumbles.... Your New Years Resolution Should Be: Tell your boss to screw off Seriously. You know you really, really want to. Life's too short to have a job you hate...And though you may be a success, you're secretly miserable. Time to try out a new career - maybe one involving g-strings? What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be?

Embarrassed

2005-01-04T09:30:00.000-08:00

Wow. For the love of God, whatever you do, DO NOT go back and read my archives, like, ever, or you're going to think I'm a complete nut job. I just read all of my entries from last January and GOOD GOD am I embarrassed. I haven't changed one bit. I'm stuck in exactly the same rut I was a year ago, asking myself the same questions, reacting the same way, and being frustrated about the same things

Happy New Year

2005-01-04T08:54:00.000-08:00

I don't believe in "New Year's Resolutions." They're crap. I don't know who the hell made the idea up, but it's stupid. No one ever sticks to their "New Year's Resolution" longer than a few weeks anyway, right? And if they do, then I have to seriously question what else is going on in their life that they have the time and/or the energy to stick to a resolution. But hey who am I to judge, right?

The rent scare

2004-12-28T14:30:00.000-08:00

As mentioned in my post from earlier today, due to my illness I missed a lot of work and as a result, I'm not getting a full paycheck. It'll be just over half of my normal take home. Mom and dad are going to pull through and loan me the $150 I'll be short on rent. The roomie, Jodie, is going to buy a couple gift cards off of me that I received as gifts for Christmas, so that'll be another $50. I

I miss all of you. Here's an update:

2004-12-28T08:22:00.000-08:00

Hi. Anyone miss me? That's okay if you didn't. Can't say I blame ya. I'm still broken up with Vin, though I don't want to be. Staying broken up with him goes against everything in my heart. (Though my head keeps telling me it must be this way.) Everything about being apart from him feels wrong. I hate it. On the other hand, when I look at the bigger picture I have to admit to myself that things

So much for my happy ending

2004-12-03T07:12:00.000-08:00

Avril's got it right: You were everything, everything that I wanted We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away All this time you were pretending So much for my happy ending It's nice to know that you were there Thanks for acting like you cared And making me feel like I was the only one It's nice to know we had it all Thanks for

Friday's Quote

2004-12-03T07:10:00.000-08:00

Julie: I wouldn't live with you if the world were flooded with piss and you lived in a tree! ~ Julie Buchman (Martha Plimpton), in the movie "Parenthood"

Discoveries

2004-11-29T12:43:00.000-08:00

So I recently realized that I'm a crappy writer. I have little to say lately, and what I do write, sucks big time. This isn't a huge problem in the grand scheme of things - it's not like I'm trying to make a living as a writer or anything. But it is somewhat of a let down - I thought I was better than I am. It's kind of like people that think they have a good sense of humor, are good drivers, are

Duh

2004-11-10T09:06:00.000-08:00

Excerpts from an article in today's St. Paul Pioneer Press: (bold - emphasis, mine) After 15 years, St. Paul resident Mary Knatterud can finally enjoy a quiet supper with her children and rest a little easier at night. All it took was soundproofing for her home. Knatterud is one of 18 Newell Park property owners who have received forgivable loans from a community development organization to

Thinking

2004-11-08T14:19:00.000-08:00

I was thinking earlier about what a bitch I am for having such an "I told you so" attitude about the whole Jodie/Ted breakup. I began to wonder if I was jealous of the fact that she could have such an easy, normal breakup with a guy and not become completely wrecked over it. Then I took into account the fact that she's kidding herself about most of it, and that made me feel better. See, I spoke

Jodie got dumped

2004-11-05T11:10:00.000-08:00

Remember awhile back I was talking about Jodie going out with (what turned into her new b/f) Tim? I talked about it here and here. Well, he dumped her this week. Here's the lowdown. Ted called Jodie on Monday night and said that he took a second job and due to his now hectic work schedule, he just doesn't think he's going to have time left for her. He said he needs to get his shit together

Happy Halloween!!

2004-10-29T09:09:00.000-07:00

So, for the first time in YEARS (like, since highschool, I think) I dressed up for Halloween at work. As a serial (cereal) killer. I have those personal size boxes of cereal pinned to my shirt with plastic knives stuck in them and "blood" all over the boxes, the knives, and my shirt. See, I can get away with something so completely dorky because I work in an office full of people 10-25+ years

Friday's Quote

2004-10-15T09:56:00.000-07:00

"THE BEATINGS WILL NOW BEGIN!!" ~ Bill Cosby, Himself And do I really give a flying fuck at a rolling donut if Bill is not the first person to have said this? Fuck no. And do I really give two shits if it is not, in fact, a "direct" quote because at the time, Bill was relaying a story about what his wife said? Fuck no. Why? Because today, everyone I know deserves to get BEAT THE FUCK DOWN.

Whatchya Lookin' For?

2004-10-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

Hey.... So I was checking out my Blogpatrol Stats today, and I see that I'm getting hits via searches for some pretty interesting stuff. I just want to say....>WELCOME< Also, if you came here in search of something in particular and didn't find it - feel free to send me an email! I'm a friendly person and I'll be glad to help you out if I can. And if I can't help, I'll tell you so. And to

Friday's Quote

2004-10-08T09:05:00.000-07:00

Since I'm feeling particularly irritated, frustrated, pissed off at the world, and ready to say FUCK YOU to just about anyone (well anyone at work, anyway), I bring you a lengthy, yet seemingly justified quote from Edward Norton's character in 25th Hour. (If you haven't seen it, it's worth a look in my not-so-humble opinion.) This, THIS is exactly how I'm feeling right this minute. Monty Brogan

Friday's Quote

2004-10-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

"We're all put to the test... but it never comes in the form or at the point we would prefer, does it?" ~ Charles Morse (played by Anthony Hopkins), in the movie The Edge .

Sorry Sorry Sorry But I Gotta Be Brief

2004-09-29T13:05:00.000-07:00

(It's a line from a song...if you can tell me the title of that song or the artist, two points for you.) So this is a poll, a semi-public poll. Scenario: You are not married. You have been dating your significant other for about a year and a half. Question: How often do you speak to him/her? How often do you email? Text message? Instant message? Related question: How often do you see each

Discovery of the day

2004-09-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

Pepsi Edge (full flavor, 50% less sugar) tastes like nothing. What I mean to say is, it has no taste. I feel the carbonation, but I taste...well...nothing. Full flavor my ass.

I SUCK at posting on this blog

2004-09-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

Totally suck. Not entirely my fault - have actually had a lot of work to do lately. My not posting doesn't mean everything is great in my life - nor is it terrible. I'm sort of in the middle, I guess. Just haven't had time to sit at work and think about what I'd really like to say, that's all. I'm going to see a psychiatrist in a couple weeks to reevaluate my taking Prozac. I'll keep ya updated

Friday's Quote

2004-09-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

And Now For Something Really Gnu, Here's Gary Gnu! "No gnews is good gnews with Gary. Gnu." ~ Gary Gnu, of "The Great Space Coaster" fame Oh, and if you're too young to remember Gary Gnu or The Great Space Coaster, you can bite me.

A Public Service Announcement

2004-09-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

People, people, people. Your vehicle is not an invisible shield. As you sit inside your vehicle, you do not become invisible. I just thought maybe I should clear that up, considering that on my way to work this morning (a seven mile drive) I saw three, count 'em, THREE guys (in three different vehicles) all picking their noses. No, of course this isn't some sort of new phenomenon, and of

Friday's Quote

2004-08-27T06:15:00.000-07:00

"All I wanna do is zoom-zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom Just shake your rump All I wanna do is zoom-zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom Just shake your rump" ~ Wreck-N-Effect, Rump Shaker Ok - If you haven't listened to this in awhile, you probably should. I heard this on the way to work this morning, and even though I'm pissed that it's stuck in my head, it did put a huge smile on my face and make

Dude, my sentiments exactly

2004-08-20T09:55:00.000-07:00

And now, a message from People Who Deserve a Beat Down. Vo writes: "It's the 21st century. If you work in an office, and the concept of taking an existing document and choosing "Save As" to create a new copy to edit is beyond you, you need to be fired, forced to work in a salt mine alone, chased by rats, and smacked in the head with a shovel. How businesses put up with people not having basic

On the brain today

2004-08-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

- Thanks to all who have sent Happy Birthday messages and well wishes. I appreciate you from the bottom of my heart. - My birthday was okay. - A couple things regarding Jodie. First - Someone commented that they wonder what my roommate has done to make me hate her so much. I don't hate Jodie. I'm not a "hater" by nature. I dislike her behavior and selfishness, and I really can't stand her

Not Dead

2004-08-09T12:45:00.000-07:00

Um....Hi. Yea, so I'm not dead or anything. Just haven't felt like blogging. Too much and not enough on my mind. Ever have that problem? It's a strange feeling. Nothing really exciting has been going on. I've been catching up on a lot of sleep. I've been spending a lot of time thinking. I've been spending a lot of time relaxing. It's all been very good for me. It's my birthday this week. Friday

Friday's Quote(s)

2004-07-30T09:54:00.000-07:00

"You don't ever have to do anything sensational to love or to be loved." ~ Fred Rogers (aka Mr. Rogers) (1928-2003) "Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out" ~ Michael Burke

My Current Worry

2004-07-29T13:08:00.000-07:00

Lately, I'm becoming obsessively concerned with whether or not Vin is still in love with me. I'm wondering if now that it's not "new" and "fresh" anymore, he's sort of losing interest in me; in our relationship. He posted this yesterday: "Like a smoker or a crackhead I'm hooked on a feeling. I am hooked on the remembrance of the greatest feeling on earth. It's not the rush of cocaine or the

I could not be more wrong. I could try, but I would not be successful.

2004-07-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

I was wrong about the whole Jodie thing, and how long it would take Ted to call her. Turns out that on Saturday morning, as he was leaving, he asked her to spend some time with him later in the day. She declined. Then he asked if she wanted to do something else, also later that same day. Again, she declined. She then tried to explain that she spends the entire day after drinking completely

May I have your opinion please

2004-07-26T06:34:00.000-07:00

Okay. So Ted comes to pick Jodie up Friday night (10 minutes late - that made me giggle), and he's got a huge bouquet of lovely flowers (lilys, snap dragons, and a bunch of other wild-flower-looking things) for her. They decide to go to a bar-grill near our house, and (after Ted asks me to go along with them, which I politely refuse) they leave. In my head, all I can think is "Local bar-grill

Jodie is such a baby!!!!

2004-07-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. God. Frequently, I wonder how the fuck she makes it through the day without me there to coach her every move. Jodie and I used to work together. We have a mutual acquaintance at work (Ed) that has been trying to hook Jodie up with his brother (Ted) for like, a year now. Ed *finally* got around to giving Ted her number this week, and Ted finally called and set a date for tonight.

Friday's Quote

2004-07-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

"Some of us cable guys like to get bit...hard." ~ Weird Cable Guy from last night. So Weird Cable Guy and his Buddy came over last night to replace my old, analog cable with a new digital cable box. They walk in the apartment and start heading for the living room with me trailing behind. I tell them "No, not the living room - it's in my bedroom" and point in the direction of my room. I'm behind

An exercise in ridiculous

2004-07-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

I was reminded today of a couple ridiculous but funny things from my childhood. One was that my dad used to call farting "letting a gasser." Oh, the countless giggles I had over that! Another was that when I was really little, I thought that poop had a full, more technical name - poopies. (I wish I were kidding about that; really I do.) Oh, and on an unrelated note (well, not entirely

Some Days...

2004-07-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

Bang! Zoom! RIGHT TO THE FUCKING MOON, ALICE.